Tell her she’s so pretty that she can totally rock the bald look ala Natalie Portman. She shaves her head. You have now cut down her getting-ready time by at least 45 minutes, and you will make that dinner reservation.
2. Body restraint suit
Tell her you have some kinky ideas for a sexy night. She puts it on. Quickly fasten the belts. She is now constrained and you can watch all the Champions league matches you want.
3. Lots of chocolates and ice-cream
Tell her that “Real man like curves, only dogs go bones” shit. She will eat everything and and gain a few extra pounds. She is now bogged down with low self-esteem and you can rest assured that she will not cheat on you. Also, she start spending her nights at the gym so go ahead and plan that Boy’s Night Out you’ve been meaning to have!
4. Life-sized teddy bear
When she’s falling asleep, gently pull away and slip the teddy bear in your place. You now have your space, or you can even head out for drinks with friends, she won’t know you’re gone.
Tip: Store teddy bear in warm place away from sunlight, so she won’t feel the difference in temperature)
5. The latest smartphone
Buy the coolest phone and download all the really cool overrated games on it. Make sure it also has a great front camera. She will now be too preoccupied with the phone and won’t notice you haven’t replied her message in hours.
6. A Child Called It by Dave Pelzer
One of the most depressing stories of all time, it will make all her other problems seem so trivial. She will never ask you if she is fat. She won’t ask you for that Prada handbag. When the effect wears off, buy another book by Dave Pelzer.
7. Nail Polish
Tell her to try out this really new cool colour by O.P.I. When she’s done painting and you see her drying them, attack! Pick up the remote, go ahead and watch that Breaking Bad rerun. She won’t fight you for at least an hour. You’re welcome.