A human trafficking camp found near the Malaysia-Thailand border here may have potential to be a tourist attraction, said Datuk Seri Shahidan Kassim. In response to Shahidan’s idea, here are 10 other places apart from human trafficking sites that can be made into tourist attractions.
1. Gangster Safari@ Pandamaran, Klang
From the safety of a bullet-and-parang-proof reinforced Alphard, lucky tourists will now be able to witness actual gangsters in their natural habitat. Imagine seeing tattooed shirtless people in real time gang fights, table talks and initiation ceremonies.Life insurance optional.
2. Merry-Go-Roundabout @ Shah Alam
Guaranteed to be a fun ride for the whole family,the MGR promises a minimum of 20 circles in 20 minutes.After the exciting dizzy ride, guests will then be invited to play a game of Di Seksyen Mana Kami Berada? and winners will be given a voucher for shisha of a flavour of your choice at Shah Alam’s many hipster mamak outlets.
3. Immigrant-Landing Watching @ Port Dickson
Brought to you by the same team that introduced bird watching in Fraser’s Hill and turtle watching in Rantau Abang, the lack of flora and fauna has driven the business to be creative. Using high powered night vision telescopic lenses not yet available to the Malaysian Navy, the immigrant watching package comes complete with hot Milo and complimentary bag of Pagoda peanuts. Participants are encouraged to carry along their passports in event of raids to avoid being mistaken for an illegal immigrant.
4. Legal-Then Illegal-Then Legal Again-Rallies, any available padang @ Throughout Semenanjung Malaysia
This free fortnightly event is organized by various rally enthusiast groups. Among the more well known ones include Bersih 2.0, Keadilan and for those who like extreme rallies, Perkasa.Tourists are encouraged to be and act as Caucasian as possible and carry along a big camera to avoid being mistaken as an Opposition sympathizer.The rallies in Malaysia can considered mild compared to the rallies in South American countries but could prove an exciting for, say, the pampered Scandinavian. Warning: Due to confusion over the word ‘ultra kiasu’ and the fact they look like rich Malaysians, Singaporeans are strongly discouraged to join.
5. Almost Malaysian Food @ Jalan Alor
Enjoy the taste of nearly authentic Malaysian food painstakingly prepared by carefully selected Malaysian-looking-but-not-really-Malaysian-foreigners. Choices include Indonesian Nasi Lemak, Thai Lok Lok and Vietnamese Chicken Rice. Be prepared to pay almost double the price though. Rest assured however, that it is money well spent. A good choice of imported beer labels are also available on tap. When we say imported, we of course mean Tsingtao. And when we say on tap, we of course mean, its mixed with tap water.
6. Customer Service Nightmare Thrill
For just RM 40, experience true customer service contact center hell with a non-simulated, real-life customer call to any one of the seven participating generic companies, including a telco, a bank, a government agency, a budget airline and a China made mobile phone manufacturer. Choose from Excruciating English Edward to I-Don’t-Really-Wanna-Be-Here-Amy with new characters introduced on a weekly basis. Package comes with a genuine Panadol pill and a glass of barley ice to recover your temperament and your voice. Lozenges available upon request.
7. The Kalah Toto Experience
Brainchild of a guy who lost it all then struck it big with a government crony grant, The Kalah Toto Experience involves tourists to genuine experience of losing a lottery ticket by one, two or three digits (different rates apply). Participants will be given a fake lottery ticket,and a simulated draw will reveal a near miss lottery win. Other variations involve Kalah Kuda Experience, Saham Bankrap Experience and Kalah Genting Experience (no relation to the actual company). For a small surcharge, a Bunuh Diri Bungee Jump is available. The extended experience involves a simulated Ah Long buying your pre-prepared fake Rolex and then you ‘killing’ yourself by jumping off a tall building.
8. The Taxpayer Circus Show
Held only a couple of times in a year, tourists will be feted to a full twenty hour session of insults, name-calling, lame arguments and faux threats in Parliament. Headphones with translations are provided in English, German, French and Proper Bahasa Malaysia. However for those who opt not to use the headphones, subtitles will be provided by an overhead LED that will occasionally be interrupted with advertisements that really shouldn’t be there, much like in the Malaysian satellite TV service, Astro.
9. Authentic Nature Trail Inland Social Project @ Orang Asli Camps
Tourists now will get to choose between seven Orang Asal and nine Dayak/Kadazandusun communities to live with! And unlike most ‘touristy’ experiences where it’s not really authentic and staged, participants in ANTISOCIAL will be able to participate completely in the local life, problems, politics and strange food of the various indigenous groups in Malaysia. Tourists will be able to experience 2 entire weeks of being in touch with nature while being completely ignored by the government.For a slightly more urban experience, but still with the same level of being completely ignored,the semi clueless but good natured semi Caucasian NGO that runs ANTISOCIAL has now introduced ANTISOCIAL-Indian in more urbane environments.
10. Honk! The Paid Traffic Jam
After a short educational video on Malaysian swear words (Hokkien,English,Tamil and Malay) and gestures,tourists are brought on cool-named-highways to feel first hand, the agony of driving in KL and PJ.To make it even more authentic, tourists will be given a Touch and Go card to fully marvel at the fact that after fifteen years, Malaysians still have not learnt how to use it properly, just like how we haven’t learnt how to pronounce Carrefour or accept elections results properly.If they manage to not kill themselves after one hour,Non Muslim tourists will be given a bottomless beer while Muslim tourists will be given a Tabung Haji sponsored ticket for their whole family to perform the Hajj. In both cases, well deserved!
Written by: Emmanuel Joseph